I’m kinda’ lost…

So, this year is already ¼ gone, and I can say that at least some of the things I told myself I was going to do, change, improve, etc., I’ve done, changed, improved, etc. Though, I have not been committed to the blog. I guess I’ve been afraid of putting my thoughts out there, and become too vulnerable, since a lot of the things that I could have talked about would expose a side of me that I’ve kept to myself for a really long time. But I guess today, feeling a bit kinda’ lost, and my PMS kicking in giving me a bad case of mood swings plagued with nostalgia, sadness and too much emotion, I feel the need to write… yeah, yeah… type.

I just came back from being out of town for a couple of days and went back to work knowing that end of quarter meant I had a bunch of stuff to get done… and then the mood swings kicked in. So, as I tried to hold everything in, and avoid picking up the phone so I could get everything done and avoid the emotions, I stumbled upon one of those moments where something that had never been clear before, just kinda’ unfolds. I somehow could put myself in my grandma’s shoes, and understood why she has kept herself inside four walls and not put herself out there after she divorced my grandfather. Because it is freaking scary knowing that after you’ve opened up, closed your eyes and taken a leap of faith, at the end you could get hurt.

I think growing up around my grandma and listening to her say with so much hurt what happened more than 30 years ago, on a consistent basis, has made it really hard for me to open up, close my eyes and take a leap of faith. Even more when the few times that I’ve closed one eye (I always kept the other one open, just in case), I’ve got burnt with 3rd degree burns, not literally.

And now, at the age of 25, although I can understand somehow that part of my grandma’s life, I’m kinda’ lost… I thought I was ready to close both eyes and be open to what comes. But what comes is unknown... and what’s unknown is scary. And thus, I slightly want to retreat back into my comfort zone, and keep myself locked up in my bubble so that I don’t get hurt. But I guess I’m past the safe zone. My emotions are talking to me louder than they have had in such a long time, so although I keep fighting myself so I don’t quiet them down, I also owe it to myself to see what comes, even if what comes hurt.

I just hope I could have a GPS to the soul… to take me there, open up, and lead the way. I’m kinda' lost… and hope I can find my way… come what may, may what come.